Last weekend, with the aid of the UK, I became an international Amazon best-selling UFO author for I Know Why The Aliens Don’t Land!, which is what I now demand to be called whenever I’m on a show. Or maybe “Superstar.” Perhaps “Underground Cult Sensation.” I haven’t decided. But I will demand something once I decide. For that you were rewarded–yes, that is the right word, rewarded–with the public thank you ufology deserves. Furthermore, you won me getting off my butt and writing that long-overdue sequel. See you in 2016.
This weekend, I took another bold step in the direction of becoming the thing I hate when you made Urgency. an Amazon best-seller in New Age Mysticism. Good for you! Good for all of us! But you know what, the UK? You’re slacking. For it is, as of this writing, not an international best-seller. Get off your asses for fucksake. Enlightenment is just a click away! Still… for that I shall reward you with yet another acceptance speech. No sequel, but I’ll think about starting a cult. I do live in Hawaii. It’s perfect weather for culting.
Let’s keep it going. This one is going to be a tougher nut to crack because it involves book categories that people actually read. I’m talking Horror novels and Post-Apocalyptic literature. I’m talking about Into The End. Make Into The End a top 100 best-seller in either of these categories by next weekend and I shall reward you with another comedy roast speech. Crack the top 50 in horror and I will also turn it into a trilogy.
Thanks for playing.
Now get to paying.
And the UK? Isn’t it time you beat the Americans at something? No, squash doesn’t count. Grow up.