33 Rejected Illuminati Secrets

33.) Girls not allowed in because they have girl germs.

32.) Secret handshake quickly replaced by penis shake.

31.) Neil deGrass Tyson is wearing the scalp of Rick James.

30.) Jesus was married… to his work.

29.) The all-seeing eye on the one-dollar bill? Phyllis Diller’s.

28.) Cow pies not actual pies.

27.) Power structure from the ground up goes like this: Man, Gray Aliens, Nordic Aliens, Interdimensional Reptilians, Angels, Buddhas, Mayor McCheese.

26.) The real reason they were hated by the Catholic Church? Two words: alter girls.

25.) Hitler alive. Walt Disney dead.

24.) Whole thing run by LARPers.

23.) 9/11 hijackers just normal citizens like you and me until one day these evil strippers hypnotized them. The next day….

22.) ALF really isn’t a puppet or a small person in a costume.

21.) Brain Chips: Betcha Can’t Implant Just One! kicked around as possible slogan.

20.) They don’t hate the Jews, just the Madonna.

19.) The thing they’ve illuminated is our failure as a society to take responsibility for our actions. (Just kidding. We really are good people being rewarded with possible extinction! … Stoopit secret societies.)

18.) The very first GMO wasn’t corn. It was Latoya.

17.) Stanley Kubrick’s final film, Eyes Wide Shut, practically screamed the big secret: I am a narcissist.

16.) Sometimes Y.

15.) Jon Stewart? On the payroll since 1997.

14.) We didn’t evolve from apes, they kicked us out.

13.) The Mayans were fucking with us.

12.) The REAL riddle of the sphinx goes like this: Q: Why does Man walk on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening? A: To get to the other side.

11.) Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. Except always.

10.) The Crusades were all about tickle torture.

09.) Yoga was created as a joke. It went global. Someone lost a bet.

08.) The devil is real, but more nerd than asshole.

07.) The most erotic nerve endings are in beard hair.

06.) 35% of all 80s pop ballads are about stalking.

05.) Black musicians from a dystopian future were flown back through time for Elvis to steal from.

04.) Chakras are bullshit.

03.) Authentic Da Vinci Code deciphered in A Christmas Story.

02.) The Last Supper was primarily matzah. Lame.

01.) ‘Scrabble’ is not a word.

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