Area 51 Officially Revealed. Will Disclosure Movement Claim Victory Or Cry Deceit?

Nothing To See Here? Crap. There Goes Chris Augustin’s Bullshit Gig.

By now you’re heard the hullabaloo that the CIA has released documents admitting to the existence of Area 51 and essentially mapping it out as a testing ground for no-longer-top-secret aircraft. But what you haven’t heard yet is the official response from Steven Bassett, Steven Greer, or any of the other Stevens that comprise the so-called Disclosure Movement. Really, there are only three choices for a response here and they are not mutually-exclusive.

1.) Claim Victory. Hooray! Our fake disclosure hearing was worth the hundreds of thousands of dollars poured into it because between the fake hearing and Greer’s fake documentary about a fake alien carcass, we have successfully pressured the CIA into disclosing the truth about Area 51! Truth embargo over on that issue!

2.) Claim The CIA Is Still Lying. Hooray! Our fake disclosure hearing was worth the hundreds of thousands of dollars poured into it because between the fake hearing and Greer’s fake documentary about a fake alien carcass, we have successfully pressured the CIA into having to admit that Area 51 exists. Unfortunately, they are still covering up its real purpose and so the truth embargo continues. How do we know? Because we have anonymous fake ex-operatives who have given us fake testimony claiming that aliens are working there with humans. Now send us your money so we can force even more not-truth out of the CIA!

3.) Shrug And Claim That Area 51 Was Never The Real Alien Stronghold To Begin With Like It’s Common Knowledge. Duh. Area 51 is just a smokescreen for the sheeple to gnaw on. The real alien stronghold is _______________. Everyone knows that. (Note: fill in blank with whichever fake alien stronghold you like. Dulce always works.)

My guess is that when Bassett wakes up and scrapes the orange Cheese Doodle dust out of his chest hair (thank you, JR – I owe you royalties), he will sit down at his computer and write a fake newsletter from his fake disclosure organization combining all three. It will read something like this:

Disclosure Activists Win BIG Over CIA

Yesterday spelled victory for our fake organization. Really, it’s just me. But as a donor and fanboy, you don’t need to know that.  Anyway, due to pressure from us, the CIA finally, humiliatingly, had to admit that Area 51 exists. That is a major, major step toward full disclosure and will be reflected in a resetting of our (my) fake Countdown To Disclosure Clock.

That said, it is with great disappointment and no surprise that their disclosure was not total. Yes, they admitted that Area 51 exists, but they left out the crucial part: FUCKING ALIENS LIVE THERE, MAN!!! Christ! What’s the fucking point of fucking admitting Area 50-fucking-1 exists if they aren’t going to fucking admit to fucking aliens working with Nazis and shit?!

But let’s reign that in, friends. Fake friends. Because as we in the loop know, Area 51 was always a smokescreen for Joe Public to get lost in. No, the real underground alien facility is in…mmm…let’s say, Dulce. That always works.

So now we have done an amazing job putting your money to work here. Let’s keep it going–keep the pressure on until we get what we demand and deserve: FULL DISCLOSURE. And if the CIA admits that there is an underground facility in Dulce that is actually a declassified combat boot factory, you can rest assured that we (the royal we) will send out another strongly-worded fake email to you asking for your money because we all knew Dulce only used to house aliens. Now it’s a shoe factory. The real alien lab was moved underwater and is guarded by HAARP antennae.

What, you didn’t really think the Navy shut down HAARP did you? Of course not. It went black. Everyone knows that.

Sincerely,

A. Steven
Fake President of A Fake Organization You Give Real Money To

Advertisements

One thought on “Area 51 Officially Revealed. Will Disclosure Movement Claim Victory Or Cry Deceit?

  1. Anyone seeking to parody the Disclosure Movement faces a daunting task. Nothing illustrates the powerful underlying brilliance of the Disclosure Movement concept better than the recent CIA disclosures about Area 51.

    Information disclosures are of no consequence to this organization whatsoever. It does not matter what is released to the public, it can always be deemed insufficient, declared a cover up or dismissed as disinformation. Come hell or high water, the Disclosure Movement is the fountain of eternal cash flow. An intoxicating blend of immortality and wealth, this organization could make the Conquistadors of old turn green with envy.

    To all those claiming you can never get something for nothing – behold the astonishing logical genius of the Disclosure Movement.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s