Not long ago I was given an obscene amount of sample health supplements from a coworker. Everything from energy powder drinks to vials of brown liquid with names I can’t pronounce, all making claims the FDA hasn’t approved. As comedian Jim Gaffigan points out, even Twinkies have been approved by the FDA, but not most health supplements–let that sink in.
There was one packet of anthrax called Spirulina. The dieteer, if you will, is supposed to spread it over food or ingest it mixed in a beverage primarily, I think, because it tastes like two clams fucking. Secondarily, because in a concentrated form it will kill you. Of course it doesn’t announce that on the package. No “Caution: Keep shampoo away from eyes and mouth. Do not eat” type warning on the label for morons who need to be told such things. Morons like me.
Last Saturday morning, I was getting ready for work and wanted a pick-me-up. This stuff promised energy and brain-boosting power. Sweet, right? So what does this moron do? This moron empties the packet in his mouth and swigs it down with water. That kind of lazy stunt works with the powdered energy drinks but not so much with Spirulina because what microalga does is gunk up and stick to your mouth and teeth and throat and then try to kill you.
I think when my gag reflex kicked in that was probably a sign that it’s time to throw up now. But not this moron. This moron chugged a gallon of water–literally a gallon of water–to flush it all down. It was still glued to the back of my teeth in places. That concerned me. For five seconds. And then my throat began to close and that concerned me slightly more.
I could still breathe if I positioned my neck just right, but I couldn’t talk and my lungs felt like they were filling with fluid. No insurance + moron = calling 911 not an option. I thought about knocking on the landlord’s door, you know, to tell him I’m dying and ask for a Benadryl. But I couldn’t do that either because… ready for this? … I hadn’t bathed yet. Yes, that’s right, I actually thought to myself, ‘I’m not going to die looking and smelling like this.’
That wasn’t the only reason I jumped in the shower before doing anything else. I also figured the hot water beading off my throat would relax this allergic reaction. You know… the way beading hot water is prone to do?
Didn’t happen and now my nose was running like I had the flu, but I pressed on in my will to live stupidly. I hopped out of the shower, got ready for work–How could I call in sick when I couldn’t talk, right?–and saw that I had ten minutes to spare so I made the only smart decision of the morning: I sat cross-legged on the bed and let that “meditation energy” do its thing. And it worked! This energy did a bunch of pressure point maneuvers to my chest and throat and before you know it, I was coughing up lung water. Man, if only I’d had fifteen minutes I could have cured myself. But I had ten. Just enough to make myself acceptible for business.
The job went well considering I could not speak all morning. The swelling finally relaxed by early afternoon. No runny nose. When I came home and plopped down in the recliner a funny thing happened. I felt a sharp pain in the roof of my mouth by the sinus cavity and suddenly I was blowing my nose like I had the flu again. This went on for a couple of hours, then ceased.
It’s Monday as I type this and I’m almost all better. Every now and then I feel that sharp needle of a pain. It’s as if I burned a small hole in my mouth. Didn’t see any warning about that on the label either. But then, I wouldn’t have heeded it anyway had there been one because I’m a moron.
By now some of you are nodding along going, “Yep. Yer an idiot, all right.” And some of you are thinking, ‘Oh, I’ve chugged powder mix, too.’
For those of you who are on my side thinking it’s stupid but it’s not so stupid as to warrant this post, allow me to dispel you of the notion. Here’s the part that’s so outlandishly Homer Simpson only a true moron could have thought it. You ready? Brace yourself. Here’s a chunk of my all-too-true inner monologue as my throat was closing and I thought I might die the most ironic death a fat man could–death by health food.
I thought, I am so fucking stupid for downing that crap, I can’t believe I’m gonna die like this. If only I’d taken Spirulina before this, maybe I’d have had the brain-boosting power to not make such a stupid fucking mistake…. Oh, wait a minute…..