No, I’m not talking about the fact that he continues to gloat over “his” discovery of NASA footage showing ice particles and thruster flashes he thinks are UFOs and Star Wars missiles. Nor am I talking about the fact that he undersold UFO Magazine stock, tanking its worth, and subsequently blamed the Birnes for killing “his baby.” Heck, I’m not even talking about the fact that in all his years of investigation he couldn’t figure out what was wrong with abduction research and expose it, or the fact that he to this day pals around with Jacobs shills, or that if he could do it all over again he’d still vote for Bush.
Don’s record for being a moron is extensive and weeds its way into many facets of his life—but I’m not talking about all that. That’s in the past. And this is now. And now what I’m talking about is the fact that someone—who dislikes me or Jeff Ritzmann or both of us or Paratopia—gave him a copy of an old Culture of Contact episode where I did a skit making fun of Zecharia Sitchin. Gave it to him with the intent of riling him up and he took the bait.
If we are to take him at his word, Don now and forever hates me for a comedy sketch. Of course Don’s a moron and so he doesn’t even remember what he’s mad about. He says we tried to get Sitchin on our show and Sitchin refused so I did an impression of him, insulting his just-deceased wife to the point where I deserve to get my greasy fat ass kicked.
My ass is fat. That much is true. The rest? Untrue. Why Don is fantasizing about greasing my plump hiney is another question for another time.
The fact is, Mr. Investigator, Jeff and I were not doing a show together and I never asked Sitchen to be on mine. I’ll get to my criminal offenses in a minute, but first let’s stick to the specifics of Don being a moron. They are these: whoever gave him that comedy sketch had to have known two things: 1.) Don would be stupid enough to take the bait because 2.) Don wouldn’t get the joke. He wouldn’t get what the punchline was. He’d see his friend under attack and fly into a blind rage.
The moron fell into someone’s moron trap. Of course he did. That’s what morons do.
So let me spell this out here for Don and anyone else who cares about nothing. Seinfeld fans, essentially. (Guess whose head that reference is going over. Did you guess Don Ecker’s? WIN.)
One fine day, back in 2008, I asked Zecharia Sitchin if he’d be a guest speaker at the Culture of Contact festival. He left me a voicemail saying no thanks. It is the one-year anniversary of his wife’s death. He couldn’t possibly make it that weekend, which is completely understandable and I was absolutely sympathetic. What monster wouldn’t be?
Plus, the still-grieving man added with a giggle, I made no mention of money, so….
I think that joke writes itself, don’t you?
But no, Don’s a moron and therefore cannot see that greed is the punchline. Sitchin’s own words are the punchline. Me, as the listener on the other end thinking, ‘Wow, that’s completely understandable, it being a tragic anniversary and all… wait a minute, you’d do it for money?!’ IS THE PUNCHLINE.
All Don is capable of reading into that is, “I’d like to punch a line through your face and make a hole in it because I’m a loud-mouthed braggart who doesn’t get things and answers with violence.”
That’s what Don sees.
You know who I owe an apology to for that skit? Jeff Ritzmann. Again. Jeff does a great impression of Zecharia and, knowing how stunned I was by the giggling “no mention of money” response, began leaving me hysterical voicemail messages in that vein. I turned them into a skit and accidentally dragged him down with me. But then who could possibly guess that years later, Moron Don would be given the episode with the express purpose of siccing him on us and he’d fall for it? And years after that?–He’d still be pissed! In fact, so pissed he’d ignore all of our accomplishments and concentrate on a comedy bit that went south for him.
Sorry, Jeff. Again. I humbly and honestly apologize. Again. (See, I’ve said something like this elsewhere when Don initially felt fury like a year ago, but history juuuuust keeps repeating when bitter, emotionally-stunted men can’t think of anything reasonable to bitch about.)
You know who else I need to apologize to for a random act of tasteless comedy? Nobody. Zecharia Sitchin was a public figure and one who I can all but guarantee never heard that skit. He had better things to do than pay attention to me and lament the evils of a comedy roast that would be considered tame by Comedy Central’s standards.
Don, while you’re doing everything in your righteous power to pull back from threatening me AGAIN, why don’t you pull back from publicly threatening the creators of South Park and Team America World Police? I’m certain their comedy has done more to harm your fragile sensibilities than mine.
I’m sure if we look to Don’s past communiqués we’ll find him barking about fighting for freedom and freedom of speech and all that. That’s fine in theory but in practice, Don Ecker wants Don Ecker World. And that world looks strikingly like Idiocracy where people should be beaten for jokes he doesn’t get, for words he finds offensive, or just because he said so.
Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place to live? There used to be a name for that place: Afghanistan.
Alright, folks, there’s your moment of clarity. I’m the bad guy, get it? Don doesn’t want to punch Greer or Webre in the face. Apparently if I’d meant it I’d be safe. But no, I was joking so I’ve broken another cardinal rule of ufology. I must have broken them all by now, right? Let me go down that list real quick:
–called out frauds?—CHECK.
–asked deep questions?—CHECK.
–sincerity where that was called for?—CHECK.
–basic and fundamental human intelligence?—CHECK.
–turned down spots on shows for the History Channel & Discovery because I thought they’d be more of the same crap?—CHECK.
–called out sacred cows knowing full well I’d be blacklisted?—CHECK.
–just gave up a third of my already lousy income because I care more about making a quality show than making money?—CHECK.
Yeah. I can see why Don would hate a guy like me. I have a track record of intelligence and giving a shit at my own expense. And—dear god—I have a… a sense of humor. Not a very good one, maybe, but… but it’s there.
Shit. This is so clear to me now. Don Ecker is right. I don’t belong here. Here with humorless morons who will never understand what ethics actually are.
If you’re still gonna bag on someone for jokes made four years ago that you find offensive, leave Jeff out of it. He is innocent. Those were private voicemails I weaved into a public skit. It’s all on me. In fact, I’m even going to leave the comments open so that Don, if he likes, or the same several jealous people whose only job in life is to “get” me can have at it here unabated, if they like. Let’s go, boys and girls—Get to lying! It’s the only trick you ponies have got.
Consider this open forum a final gift from me to you on my way to taking a well-earned break from successfully doing the things you talk about but are incapable of achieving.
That whole blowhard thing?
I can do that too. It does kinda make me feel powerful. I get why so many of you do it. It’s a placeholder for “I’ve got nothing.” And truly, that’s why this place has become a cesspit.
And that’s no joke.