You know who I can’t believe is still around in the UFO scene? Stan Romanek. He’s that alleged contactee who tried to sell some sort of ALF-puppet-in-a-window-combined-with-porn-bad-acting footage for $50,000 to a basic cable TV show. He once taped what to the untrained eye is a Chinese lantern floating over a park and said it was an alien spaceship. He bills himself as a nincompoop who can’t tie his own shoes and yet… and yet he has written two books and in the latest he talks about multiple timelines—physics—which the paper mache aliens from Planet Fucktard gave him, no doubt.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s still around, but does he have to be on the main stage of UFO conferences? I mean, shouldn’t he be sitting at the kid’s table of New Age cons with the likes of Nancy Burson and whichever asshole is speaking to Buddhist dolphins about the energetic density of the human future? He belongs there, not on the same stage as intellectual heavyweights like Paola Harris, David Sereda, and Jaime Maussan.
Well, I’m sitting here at my computer rummaging through old documents and I happen upon an article I wrote for UFO Magazine back when. It was going to be a review of Simple Stan’s first opus but I got bogged down by the fact that it was all nonsense and so instead I tried to do something more useful. More helpful. I used it as an example of how to look for bullshit when reading… um… bullshit. Here now I resurrect that article for your viewing pleasure. And if you want to overlay it atop Romanek’s latest or even his wife’s book—busy family of simpleton writers makin’ this look easy—feel free.
The article went something like this….
Stan Romanek’s Deceptive Messages
You’ve got some pictures for me.
Yeah. This one is ‘Arlene.’ She is a Plajeren.
That’s a mannequin.
No, that’s Arlene. She’s a Plajeren and–
It looks like a mannequin.
Well, I mean, it’s a still photo, Paul.
–Exchange from The Silent But Deadly Truthvolution of Truth
One of the perks of being a writer for UFO Magazine is that you are sometimes given free UFO-related books to review. One of the pitfalls, however, is that sometimes those books are Messages: The World’s Most Documented Extraterrestrial Contact Story, by Stan Romanek.
When you know a story is garbage before the story hits the printing press it’s hard to even crack the book open let alone review it. So I won’t review this and you can infer from that what you wish. I wish you’d infer that I knew the story was garbage before it hit print.
I did read the book, however, and so it behooves me to do something with it. I’ve decided to use it as an example of what to look for when judging whether a case of alleged alien contact is real or not. Well… potentially real is more like it. We can’t truly know unless we were there and even then it’s iffy. But we can stick our noses in the air and if we’ve learned how to sniff properly, discern that awkward smell of bologna.
The story revolves around Stan Romanek, a gosh, golly simple-folk kind of guy we are meant to believe is too stupid to pull off a hoax this multifaceted. After all, there’s video and photos and witnesses and answering machine messages from a computerized British female voice that might as well be the gal from your GPS system. In fact, right there on the book’s cover we’re told that this is, “The World’s Most Documented Extraterrestrial Contact Story.”
Move over, Billy Meier. Reawr…Cat fight!
Someone ought to alert Romanek’s webmaster that this is definitively the world’s most documented story, because his homepage reads: “The Stan Romanek case is possibly the most scientifically documented human/extraterrestrial encounters case in the world.”
Oh, there’s so much wrong in one tiny sentence.
So how do we figure out what’s what with this case? We could ask the experts who have attached themselves to it. Luminaries in the field such as Jeff Peckman, who you may remember as the tall dude who went on Late Show with David Letterman to tell the world about Stan’s extraordinary video. Remember when Stan videotaped an alien peeping through his window? Yeah, whatever happened to that? Perhaps we’ll find out later in this article….
So Peckman must be legit, right? I mean he was on Letterman, and not as a Stupid Human Trick but as a genuine guest!
Let’s see what else Peckman is promoting. Perhaps that will shed some light on what he’s about.
On his website and at speaking engagements you can find him hocking a computer program that will cost you hundreds of dollars. It is called the Metatron Cosmic Peace Program ™. According to his website, what this piece of shit does is:
“When downloaded onto your computer, the Metatron Cosmic Peace Program™ acts as a two-way mirror to support peace and harmony between human beings on Earth and intelligent beings not from Earth. Any negative intentions coming from any extraterrestrial intelligent beings will be transformed and reflected back to the extraterrestrial intelligent beings as love. Any negative intentions from human beings towards extraterrestrial intelligent beings will also be transformed and reflected back to the human beings as love.”
You can get it for your home, for your car—even take it on the go in a special card embedded with a computer chip.
That is the Romanek spokesman.
Now you might be thinking, Okay, fine, Mr. Vaeni. But that’s the spokesman. That’s not Romanek. That’s not the investigating team. What about those investigators?
Good call, reader. I happened to corner one of the former investigators at a conference. I sat down with Investigator X to hash out what’s what on this case. Here is what he told me:
Vaeni: So, Investigator X, you did some work on the Stan Romanek footage, right? What did you find?
Investigator X: I cannot talk about this.
Vaeni: Why not?
Investigator X: I signed a nondisclosure agreement barring me from talking about the case.
Vaeni: But other people talk about the case. Jeff Peckman talks about it all the time. Should we assume you found evidence of fraud?
Investigator X: I can’t talk about the case.
Vaeni: Well did you find anything that passed the smell test, or was extraterrestrial?
Investigator X: I can’t talk about it.
Vaeni: Do you find a conflict in Stan saying that he welcomes challenge because he really wants to know what’s going on and yet no investigator can challenge the case because they have to sign a nondisclosure agreement?
Investigator X: I can’t talk about it. Are you recording this?
Vaeni: No. Maybe. Why?
Investigator X: You’d better not use my name, if you print this. I’m serious, Vaeni. I cannot talk about it.
Of course, reader, that conversation never took place but could you imagine if it had? I just did and it wasn’t pretty.
But now you’re probably like, Jer, I don’t have access to field investigators who cannot talk about the case. I don’t care that Jeff Peckman is a snake oil salesman. What about the footage itself? Stan’s got some photos in his book of aliens that traveled light years to practice intergalactic voyeurism on a man whose claim to fame is that he’s a simpleton who could not fake all of this. What about those photos?
Here my advice would be to use your eyes. That’s right, reader. Sometimes you have to use your own eyes. I know it’s fashionable to remain nonjudgmental because everything is allegedly a subjective experience and so who are we to say those aren’t real alien heads floating in the dark of night on a photocopy-quality black and white page, but… Donald Duck says your position on reality is not true. Donald Duck says he will never be real no matter how nonjudgmental you are. If it walks like a Donald Duck and quacks like a Donald Duck, it’s not aliens.
Okay, you’re right. Those photos do look a tad suspicious. But couldn’t someone be playing a trick on poor Stan? He does sound honest enough in interviews. You know… like the loveable simpleton who just wants to know what’s going on.
Well you got me there. Oh, except George Noory had him take a polygraph test for Coast To Coast AM, which he failed. Stan says he had a “blood sugar incident” (whatever that means), which interfered with the lie detector. He says he told the administrator this prior to the test and they went on with it anyway. The assumption being that the administrator had never heard of such a thing or was so unprofessional that he’d risk his reputation by going through with the test instead of rescheduling it.
But what if I just pick up the book and read it knowing nothing about any of this? How then does one tell if an alleged contactee or abductee is lying?
Look for the little things, the mundane things, the things that don’t add up. For example, on page xxi (that’s page 1, paragraph 1 of the introduction) Stan explains how a Roper Poll shows that more than half of all Americans believe in aliens visiting earth. He then confesses that, “Until a few years ago, I was not only part of the 86 percent who had never seen a UFO, but would have counted myself among the half of those Americans who considered it all nonsense.”
On page 4, he really nails his message with:
“…. I can’t think of anyone less primed for my experiences than myself. It was as if God took the biggest skeptic—scratch that, the biggest cynic—on the subject of UFOs he could find and put him right in the center of the craziest experience anyone could have.”
Then on the next page, page 5, we learn that—wait a second—Romanek’s family has been plagued by UFO incidents so otherworldly that his dad started buying bottled water for no discernible reason. Like maybe the end of the world is coming? We’ll never know; we can only imply. Dad won’t talk about it.
And, oh, after one UFO incident, a strange, alien-like lady interacts with young Simple Stanly until mom comes along and breaks it up. Not to fear. His ethereal guardian shows up again some years later. And a third time, at age 10, when she telepathically communicates to him, “’You know, you’re a special little boy’ …. ‘You’re part of us… and we’re a part of you. (Page 9)’”
That’s God’s biggest skeptic—nay, cynic. We’re not even up to page 10.
It’s on page 17, after we’ve forgotten what we’ve just read and been walked through Stan’s first UFO encounter as an adult, that he reminds us, “It was not an easy transition going from hard-nosed skeptic to unwilling but resigned believer in one step, but it can be done.”
It can be. But it wasn’t. Remember the first 9 pages, Stan?! Okay, never mind. If he doesn’t care about continuity, why should we? But the very next sentence on page 17 we cannot ignore, for here he is talking about what that initial adult UFO experience made him think. He, who has zero interest in ufology. He who until now, despite repeated alien incidents in childhood, has paid no attention to ufology—here is what his brain produced as a reaction:
“The experience also got me thinking about the whole UFO phenomenon in general. It made me wonder what is it about human society that makes so many people unwilling to even consider the possibility that UFOs might be real, especially in light of the reams of documentation and overwhelming evidence to support the phenomenon.”
Alright, reader. You pick it out. You pick out the problem there. Take a moment. I’ll wait….
…. Time’s up. Did you guess, It’s so highly unlikely as to be impossible that the most hardened skeptic/cynic/ignorer of all things UFO would ponder after his first UFO encounter how it is that society ignores the reams of documents and overwhelming evidence in support of UFOs? If so, pat yourself on the back. Someone with no knowledge or interest in a subject would not immediately realize there are reams of documents everyone’s ignoring. Sorry. The smell test has spoken.
I can go on and on but let me give you just one more. You may think this is Phil Klass-style nitpicking but really think about it here.
After numerous experiences involving aliens and organized human surveillance and now being “investigated” by one Clay Roberts, I think it’s fair to assume that Simple Stan may have read with his finger or had read to him a book or five on UFOs and alien abductions. So, when a mysterious British computerized voice shows up on his answering machine and refers to him as “Starseed,” you will be forgiven if you question Stan’s reaction on page 138:
“The message was also puzzling in what it said about me. She called me ‘Starseed’—whatever that means—and told me I am different and to ‘not be afraid of what I am.’ But how was I different? What did it all mean? The question continues to haunt me to this day.”
Well, Stan, I’m no Ingo Swann, but I think she might be referring to that conversation you had with the telepathic woman as a child where she told you, “’You know, you’re a special little boy’ …. ‘You’re part of us… and we’re a part of you.’”
Really? At this point you don’t know what starseed means? I mean even to this day? You didn’t Google search it? Clay didn’t tell you? Nothing? You couldn’t even just, in your own head, pick apart the component words “star” and “seed” to figure out what they might mean together in conjunction with you?
Still haven’t done that? Still?!
Wow, Stan. You’re right. You are a simpleton. Thankfully, this is America and even the simple can make big bucks, because for me personally, the BS detector goes off before the story even starts. For me, it’s right there in the acknowledgements where you thank your agent. Where you thank Clay Roberts for his tireless dedication and work on the documentary film that is forthcoming. It goes off when I read your Twitter notes informing your fans of your speaking engagements and cross-country book tour.
The simpleton is on tour and has a movie coming out. The simpleton has not released the paradigm-shattering video footage of the alien in his window that Jeff Peckman raved about on Letterman. Some footage may have been leaked to Youtube. It’s unclear if that’s the real footage. If it is, you might want to rethink the documentary, Clay, because that looks no more realistic than a screensaver. But I’m sure you’ll weed out any investigators who might be inclined to say that with nondisclosure agreements.
That’s how this is done. Everyone goes home a financial winner. How they sleep at night we’ll never know but be certain the insomnia isn’t due to alien interference.