The Goddess Pele/Feral Chicken Auditory Hallucination Story

By popular demand (or like 4 people on Facebook) here’s a little something funky that happened to me a couple of mornings ago….

Never Look A Gift Cock In The Mouth

I was awakened really early by a woman’s voice. It was probably the crack of dawn but I was too out of it with the tired to check my clock. I just heard this woman talking. She kind of sounded like one of my roommates. I have two, both female. They have real bedrooms. I have a dining room converted into a bedroom, which means that where a wall and a door should be there is a bookcase and a curtain. I hear everything. It sucks. But don’t cry for me Argentina, because while you’re stuck in Argentina, I live in paradise.

Except paradise comes with a severe cost–one worse than dining-bedroom. That cost? Feral chickens who never know what time it is.

Rrr-r-rrr-r-rrrrrr! at all hours of the day with these friggen roosters. The only time of day they can agree on is crack of dawn. That’s when they’re like, “TIME TO GET UP! HEY, EVERYBODY! TIME TO GET UP! REMEMBER MIDNIGHT? FALSE ALARM! NOW GET UP!”


Many are the mornings when I slog out of bed and chase them out of the yard rattling a rake and cursing these loud, shrill, atonal opera singers. As I type, I hear two of them crooning right now. But distantly. They aren’t in the yard. In fact, they haven’t been in the yard since the morning I heard that woman talking. Now back to that….

The voice is not my roommate’s after all. Is one of ‘em watching TV? Are they up this early? What time is it?

I listen closely. Finally, I can make out what she is saying. She’s saying, “Not bad… Not bad…. That’s not bad… Not bad….” over and over. I realize it’s not a roommate, not the TV… holy crap!–Is there someone in the house? Or do we have a ghost?

Now I’m lying there scared listening to this. I’m still half asleep and not attempting to get up. I’m like asleep but paranoid. It’s weird. And then it gets weirder for I hear this woman’s voice saying, “That’s not bad” morph into “Rrr-r-rrr-r-rrrrrr!”

That’s right, I am hallucinating, turning the distant call of a rooster into a woman’s voice. And I realize this at that moment, that very tired-yet-alert-enough-to-be-paranoid moment. And as incongruent as this all is, it gets incongruentier, to… make up a word. I actually find myself saying to the rooster chick, “No, it’s not bad, Pele. But I can still hear them.”

Goddess Pele When She’s Not Doing The Funky Chicken

See, even though I know I am hallucinating a woman’s voice over a distant rooster, I am also still in the middle of hallucinating. And so, me, in the middle of hallucinating, believes that the woman is the Hawaiian volcano goddess Pele and that Pele took time out of her busy morning to come to my apartment and use her magic to keep the chickens a safe distance from the yard so that I may sleep. And now she’s saying to me, “See? That’s not so bad.” Like, “Look, I’ll make sure the chickens stay away from your window so you can sleep.” And me, always one to look a gift horse in the mouth–I’m whining that it isn’t good enough. But, because it’s Pele and she’s a goddess and I’m living on her turf, I’m whimpering with all due respect.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting, especially given that the chickens really have stayed away from the yard for the last few days. When I’d rattle a rake at them, it just emboldened them. I think they came back in the mornings for their daily chase. Honestly, I think they kinda liked it because they would come right up to the window and Rrr-r-rrr-r-rrrrrr! for as long as it took to respond with a chase. Sometimes I’d wait a half hour, forty-five minutes, just to see if they’d go away. No such luck. Then I’d chase ‘em and they’d shut up. So who were they talking to if not me?

Whelp, at least now we’ll have what esteemed doctor Tyler Kokjohn calls “scientific proof” that Pele is real or not. If the chickens stay away, she’s real and I’m turning into Hank Wesselman. If they come back, she’s not and I’m turning into the man who mistook his wife for a hat. Yup, that’s science. Right, Tyler? (Ssshhh… don’t answer. You’re just a humble, small town doctor from a… small town. We know. Or is that someone else I’m thinking of? Only one way to find out: gun show. )

Not Tyler Kokjohn.

Boom! Gun Show, Bitches! The Challenge Has Been Made, Tyler, Doctor To Doctor. (William Henry–Make Me A Sandwich!)

For my own public image of sanity I will not be updating this story if they come back to roost. But I’m still publishing it, so what does that tell you?


All of My eBooks Just $2.99 Each!

I Know Why Book CoverUrgency Book CoverInto The End (front cover)

In a bid to make enough money to fly back home for my cousin’s wedding this August, I have lowered all of my ebook prices to the incredible impulse-buy rate of $2.99 each! Kindle… Nook… whatever your ereader of choice is, you can own all of my work for next to nothing. So, please do! (Sort of. I just realized that I Know Why The Aliens Don’t Land! isn’t available on the Nook yet.)

Consider it a donation to a fundraiser for a plane ticket with the added benefit that you get to own a really great, critically-acclaimed collection of words that came from my head and spilled out of my fingertips for your entertainment and, perhaps, education.

Here are the links to the U.S. pages:



More about these special books….


I Know Why The Aliens Don’t Land!

The book that started it all. This is an autobiography written in the style of Robert Anton Wilson’s Cosmic Trigger series. You will learn why these visitors we call “aliens” don’t just land and say hello, but not before being taken on a whirlwind ride through the life and times and mind of the man-child making these wild claims.


If I give your brain every answer to every big question it’s been plagued with since the dawn of time, will that stop thought? If so, what happens in that moment? And if that doesn’t happen, are you at least left with a feast of spirit food to chew over? Yes, definitely that. This is the book of mind and spirit for those who have had it with religion and New Age. This is the real. And it’s written in plain language so that you will understand it.

Into The End

A coming-of-age sci fi/horror epic that starts off like a small and simple tale, but ends with your jaw hitting the floor. No less than that. Take everything we’ve learned from my previous two books, plus the best of Paratopia, put it in a word blender set on “Stand By Me Dialogue,” and feast. By the end you may wonder if you just read a work of fiction… or a twisted truth.


What better way to spend your tax refund? Ssssshhhhh-sh-sh-sssshhhh… I said, what better way.  Now please get to shopping. It’s for the children.

On Cults and Culture

As I finish reading Going Clear, by Lawrence Wright, an absolutely fascinating glimpse at the world of Scientology, I am struck by our need as a society, as a culture, to figure out whether Scientology is a cult or religion. We don’t like cults; we call them taboo. Ostensibly, we do this because we associate cults with brainwashing or some sort of mental and/or physical torture–coercive techniques to get one to believe in a person or an idea that one would presumably find nonsensical if not for having been tormented into thinking otherwise. That’s a fantastic reason not to endorse cults. However, we live in a culture. Isn’t that an interesting word? It’s got the word cult built right into it.

So, I ask myself, ‘Self?’ I ask me. ‘What is the difference between a cult and a culture?’ If you look up the definition of culture you find that yes, yes, the origin of the word has to do with the cultivation of the soul–but nowadays it has to do with the education of the people. However, since this education is not universal, we can go ahead and add that religious element right back in there, because let’s face it: what we’re educated to and how we’re educated has everything to do with belief. In America, we’re still straddling that line between the old guard of Judeo Christianity and the new guard of science.

All religions, Yes, including Buddhism, came to prominence in different areas of the world at least in part through torturous coercive techniques. The main difference between the Spanish Inquisition and drinking the Jim Jones Kool-Aid is the time of death. So, the difference between a cult and culture?–A cult must engage in coercive techniques to get you to buy their bullshit, while a culture is built upon the foundation of bullshit coercively earned long ago.

Unlike religion, science has a chance to gain preeminence in-and-as a culture on its own merits, but the human drive to believe is overpowering. Science becomes scientism. Or in the case of L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology. If scientists stuck with their ideal of what science is, what they tell the public their life’s work is about, which is basically discovering how everything works, there would be no question of belief. But that isn’t generally what they do. They generally try to boil everything down to a material and mechanical process or an unprovable theory that somehow works out mathematically even if it can’t be demonstrated in reality and then assume that everything that they haven’t discovered will be discovered in one of these ways. So, any information running contrary to their views is considered outlier data is to be scoffed at is to be marginalized is nonsensical. This they call healthy skepticism. You may recognize it by its real name: coercion. In the case of science, the price you pay for unorthodox thought is lack of funding (if you’re a scientist) and being laughed at/made a social outcast (if you’re anyone). New religion. Same techniques.

While scientism may not be as outlandish as Scientology or any of the religious movements we’ve used to tie together clusters of people afraid of  mortality, scientists born of these cultures tend to play by the same rules they were indoctrinated into at birth. This may not be a conscious act, as with the cult leader, but conscious or unconscious the result is the same.

Cults leaders, religious leaders, and scientific leaders claim to have the highest mutually-exclusive truth. In actuality, what they have is the same interest: projecting a dominant standardized meme for people to live by. They only differ in degrees of crazy. That fact in and of itself is crazy.

There’s no point in calling attention to all of the flaws of religions and cults, because I’m sure you’ve thought of them all or heard them all by now. But let me draw attention to something you might not have thought of or heard about regarding how science cannot discover that everything is a material process or a mathematical formula. Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, Opinions are like assholes: everyone’s got one. We say this to denigrate the subjective experience as if there is an objective experience to be had. Is there? Or is the objective experience the god-ideal of the scientist?

In religion, one can never be godly so one has to set that up as an ideal and strive to be as close to godly as possible. In science, they claim not to hold beliefs–that’s the whole point, right? To do away with beliefs and figure out what’s objectively what? But there is no objective situation to examine. It’s a belief. The scientist creates an ideal called “the objective world” and then downplays the subjective as a thing for assholes. Problem is, the more we come to understand about how the brain works and how human perception works the more we see that how we view the world–including how we store and recall memories–is completely inaccurate by any objective standard. And since all we have to perceive the world with is our inaccurate selves, how could we ever perceive an objective anything with a 100% degree of accuracy?

More concretely, about opinions, science won’t ever be able to tell you why you find one piece of music stimulating and why you find another boring. It doesn’t matter how much your brain lights up under an fMRI while listening to Bach or Bachman-Turner Overdrive, the data will only tell you which part of the brain is being triggered by listening to the song, not why. And not why it makes you feel the way it makes you feel.

Opinions are like assholes: everyone’s got one. And that’s all the proof you need to know that there is more to you than the material processes in the brain/body. But it’s not enough to tell you what that means. And every religion, every cult wants to tell you what that means. Perhaps if there is truth, if there is some objective, universal stage of things… If there is that?–Perhaps it can only be perceived through complete liberation of the conscious and unconscious ways in which we seek it. The first step to figuring that out is to admit the one big secret hiding in all of our coercive chatter. It’s the reason for such chatter and for cults and cultures in the first place: we don’t want complete liberation. We want the ideal of it.

Doing the 1+1 math here, we see that liberation is from the subjective–from the opinion-maker. From you. So, if there is an objective world, you can’t know that you exist in it even if you do exist in it. What are these conscious and unconscious impulses that have to go away if we’re to discover anything beyond them? They’re also you. Who is that scientist scoffing at the worth of the subjective? You. Who is the religious zealot barking down other zealots who don’t believe their zealotry? You.

It’s all subjective. It’s all you.

Get it?

That’s how things are. There is no you apart from the components of you. You are the subjective experience that must surrender to discover if there is anything beyond yourself. You can’t drag the alleged objective to you, for then it enters the subjective sphere and is no longer objective. Right? This is not theory. This is all duh material when correctly stated. I mean just look at it. Duh, right?

So why do we choose duh world over the real?

Every time. Including science.

Throughout the ages.

New disguises.

Same old faces.


Welcome to Level III, Ascended Master. Golgon will see you now. He’s over there behind the curtain. If he looks familiar without the smoke and mirrors, that’s because he’s also you. Wanna see a final trick? Read the inscription above the gate to hell. “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” What is hell to the subjective?

Level IV awaits your answer.